How to Engage with a Narcissist & Get Results

Engaging in any negotiation is difficult, but engaging with a narcissist brings its own unique set of challenges

Narcissists can and often present with inflated egos, hypersensitivity to criticism, and a relentless need to win—at all costs—but covert narcissism can show no initial traits at first and will usually present as victimization of self, fear and anxiety and eventually emotional manipulation. Whether you're dealing with a covert, overt, communal or malignant narcissistic spouse, business partner, co-worker, or client, it's important to be equipped with the right mindset and tools to stay calm, focused, and effective.

Here are key strategies that help you stay grounded, protect your peace, and make progress—without getting pulled into drama or defeat.

Empathy

I know, empathy seems like the last thing you would want to employ with a narcissist but it is the greatest asset in your arsenal of tools. Empathy is powerful—not because it appeases or enables—but to disarm. Narcissists often mask deep insecurity with passive aggressive behavior or bravado. Instead of reacting to the surface arrogance, why not tap into your own empathy? Ask yourself questions like, "What is this person afraid of losing?" "What’s underneath this behavior?" When you respond—not react—you shift the dynamic. For example, let's say your ex will not move on his request for a specific date and time for parental time sharing. Instead of allowing yourself to react to his action, you engage with a probing question:

"I clearly misunderstood how important this is to you. Help me understand -what your biggest concern is here?"

This disarms the narcissist and opens the door to conversation rather than confrontation.

Use EAR Statements: Empathy, Attention, Respect

What do I mean by EAR Statements? Ear statements are what Wendy Behany describe as short responses that convey Empathy, Attention, and Respect and they help regulate the emotions in the room, especially with high-conflict personalities.

For example:

"I hear how frustrated you are about this decision. Let’s talk about what options we do have moving forward."

EAR doesn’t mean agreement—it means emotional regulation. It soothes the narcissist’s need to be seen and heard, which can lower their defensiveness and open space for solutions.

Using Their Co-Dependence to Set Boundaries

Narcissists push limits, and to do this they may use guilt, gaslighting, or manipulation. So, you setting boundaries is not just about saying "no"—it's about calmly, clearly defining what is acceptable. This will require both empathy and a smart wit in that you will have to employ the narcissist's inner child by incorporating the words "we" or "us" into your statement. For example, by implementing the “we” and “us” strategy, the statement below communicates a healthy boundary using neutrality and clarity:

“I want to continue working on this with you, but I need us to speak respectfully. If that’s not possible right now, let’s revisit this later.”

Boundaries, stated without blame, protect your sanity and signal you’re not easy prey.

Apply the F.O.R.C.E. Strategy

The F.O.R.C.E. Formula (Behay) is a practical tool to help you assert yourself with strength and integrity when dealing with a narcissist. Each letter stands for a critical ingredient:

• Firmness: Be assertive without being aggressive. Know your non-negotiables and stand by them calmly.

• Objectivity: Stay rational and grounded in facts. Avoid being swept into emotional manipulation or circular arguments.

• Respect: Communicate respectfully—even when the narcissist does not. This is for your integrity and effectiveness.

• Clarity: Be direct and specific. Vagueness invites distortion.

• Empathy: Show appropriate empathy to diffuse defensiveness, without compromising your boundaries.

Narcissists are often driven by deep-rooted shame. F.O.R.C.E. gives you the tools to engage wisely without being overrun.

Shift the Focus to Problem-Solving

Narcissists thrive in conflict, especially if it becomes personal. It feeds their unknowing subconscious desire to stay in a constant state of fight or flight. This feels like home to their body. To avoid being baited, keep steering the conversation toward tasks, solutions, and measurable outcomes. To do this, try implementing the BIFF Response: Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. Avoid emotional back-and-forth. Stay on topic. Reinforce the goal So, instead of saying:

“You never understand what it is I am trying to say; you always twist everything around.”

Try: “I think we both want this resolved. Let’s focus on steps we can take next.”

Boundaries, stated without blame, protect your sanity and signal you’re not easy prey.

Don't Expect Insight or Accountability

One of the hardest things to accept about narcissism is that they are not going to change. In fact, rarely does a narcissist ever change. Not that there isn’t the rare diamond in the rough willing to go through the necessary steps to crush that coal into a diamond, but the pure truth is this: narcissists rarely reflect or admit fault. To do so from their perspective would admit that they are flawed, and validate the very insecurities they themselves are trying to outrun; it would crush their inner child. Waiting for an apology or expecting them to change is a trap that keeps you stuck.

Estrangement: Know When to Walk Away

Sometimes, the healthiest negotiation tactic is knowing when to not engage. If the narcissist crosses a line into emotional or verbal abuse, deceit, or unrelenting hostility, your well-being must take precedence. Self-respect and safety are the two key elements necessary  for peace. If there are constant waves of conflict, or if you are constantly on edge, you are repeating emotional and mental patterns that are harming your wellbeing in the process. It may be time to limit or cut off the relationship altogether, or bring in a mediator or mental health professional to help you navigate the situation.

Final Thoughts

You have to remember at all cost that the goal is not to fix the narcissist— you will never be able to do that — it is to manage the dynamic in the most healthiest way possible. You must anchor yourself in your own inner peace, not their actions or reactions. Focus on what you can control: your tone, your message, and your boundaries.

Engaging with a narcissist is never easy—and it can make you think and act just like them if you are not careful—but it is possible to engage with preparation, emotional intelligence, and firm boundaries. You can protect yourself while still advocating for what matters to you. Remember: You don’t have to match their intensity. You just have to hold your own self with clarity, strength, and wisdom. And that you can do.