Talking Truth: Supporting a Loved One Divorcing a Covert Narcissist and the Power of Calm Curiosity

Michelle Hubbs, M.A.L. CEO
Jun 28
3 min read

If someone you care about is going through a divorce with a narcissistic or emotionally manipulative partner, your role is a vital one and it can make all the difference in their world. Whether you're a parent, sibling, cousin, friend, counselor, or support system, your calm, your ability to remain neutral, objective and grounded, helps your loved one recognize patterns they otherwise would not. Ask simple, open-ended questions like:

“Is that type of behavior healthy? If your child were experiencing or witnessing this, would you want them to accept it?”

These gentle reflections can help guide your loved one toward clarity without confrontation. And that matters—because many victims of narcissistic abuse live in a fog of anxiety and self-doubt.

Woman considering the effects of narcissism.

1. Encourage Documentation

Ask your loved one to start journaling—from the very beginning of the relationship to present. This isn’t meant so that it can be used against the other person, but as a healthy processing tool. Journaling helps break the emotional spell of manipulation and enables survivors to begin seeing the relationship with fresh, objective eyes. In legal or custody matters, these journals may also serve as valuable evidence.

2. Support Healthy Boundaries

Remind them: it is not selfish to ask for what they need. They have a right to their belongings, their time, their space, and to equal access to their children. These requests are not hostile—they are acts of dignity and self-respect.

3. Normalize Therapy and Self-Care

Survivors of narcissistic abuse often suffer from brain fog, fatigue, anxiety, and depression from the chronic stress and trauma. Encourage professional counseling, particularly with someone who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery. Promote healthy self-care practices—or any practice that nurtures their nervous system.

4. Name the Behavior, Not the Person

Avoid labeling their partner a “narcissist.” Instead, point to specific behaviors:

“That sounds like anxiety-driven control.That doesn’t seem like a proportionate response to the situation.”

This avoids putting them on the defensive and instead helps them see the pattern themselves.

5. Prepare Them for the Long Road

Healing from narcissistic entanglement is rarely quick. These relationships often involve emotional trauma, guilt, and identity erosion. Remind them that narcissistic tactics thrive in chaos. A peaceful, grounded mindset is often the most powerful way to resist further harm.

Using Calm Curiosity to Disarm a Communal Covert Narcissist

When the narcissistic partner presents as virtuous, selfless, or even spiritually superior—your loved one may be dealing with what experts call communal covert narcissism. This subtype hides manipulation behind martyrdom or morality. They may seem kind, devoted, and sacrificial to others—but behind closed doors, they confuse, guilt, and quietly control.

In these situations, calm, inquisitive language becomes a lifeline, because remember, to your loved one, this version of narcissism seems holy and morally right. Consider these neutral phrases:

“I don’t understand.”“That doesn’t make sense to me—help me understand.”“I’m confused. Can you explain that again?”

According to experts like Dr. Ramani Durvasula and Dr. Craig Malkin, these questions work because they:

Disrupt the emotional momentum. Narcissists thrive on reaction. Calm curiosity creates pause.
Return the burden of logic. Many manipulative claims fall apart when the narcissist is asked to explain them clearly.
Signal independence. You're showing that you are thinking critically—not just following along.
Protect you from gaslighting. These questions help anchor you in your own reality.

Important tip: Don’t expect a satisfying answer. These questions are more about maintaining your clarity and slowing down the dynamic, not necessarily getting through to the narcissist.

Final Thoughts

To support someone entangled in this type of relationship is to walk with them through it. The confusion, grief, awakening, empowerment and grief again is a lot to unravel alone. Your calm presence, your consistent truth spoken in love, and your steady encouragement toward empathy and empowerment will be part of what helps them reclaim their voice, their dignity, and their healing.